College Graduation Left Me With Depression

About four years ago…

As I sat there sipping my coffee, playing on my phone , glancing out the window , the question popped in my head. The same question that has intruded on my life and destroyed any possible sense of calmness or peace throughout my mind and body.

What am I supposed to be doing with my life?

Does everyone get this horrible sensation when your literally trying to find a sense of peace? I don’t have a job, I’m a recent grad, and I feel worthless.

Even the day when my mom had some construction guys come over to paint the kitchen and do some flooring. I had come downstairs and made some coffee. As I held my cup and stood in my sweats, I had realized they had already been here an hour (It was 6:30 in the morning). One of them actually called me a sleepy head. And then remarked “enjoy it while it lasts you won’t be able to sleep in forever!”

I suddenly felt sad. I hadn’t even finished the cup of coffee before I felt utterly depressed, yet again. But why? Why did it not feel okay not to be working only two months after I graduated? Or that I am finding my niche or something that makes me happy. I had gone for journalism, but after college I realized that I wanted to completely abandon the idea of writing or being some type of truth seeker. I had dreams to uncover the truth of wrongdoers and bring about justice. A little dramatic, but this truly was what I wanted to be when I “grew up” I wanted to be someone that could help change the world for the better. But after falling into a deep depression in college, I felt lucky to even want to be alive most days.

I remembered the very day I graduated, I felt very little accomplishment. Like I didn’t even deserve to walk up and get my diploma. I just felt empty. A feeling I thought that overtime would get better when I came home to regroup and get some peace but unfortunately things only got worse. I remember that same night, this rush of panic came over me and I began scouring the internet and job finding apps to find a career. I felt like instead of feeling satisfied or at peace, I just felt panic stricken.

Why was it never okay to find a way to be better than okay? To take some time and just think about what will make you happy. For about four years this stress enveloped me and I had bounced around from different jobs, all of which left me even more miserable. I was forgetting to just breathe. I kept seeing people on social media getting jobs and looking happy and strangers had began asking about what I’m going to do now.

Side note, I even had the mailman comment on me just being at my house “Oh? You’re still here? I thought you would’ve moved out by now. It would definitely be a shame going for all that schooling and not being able to find something,” Yes…this conversation actually happened. So I’m not kidding when I tell you, that it felt like at every turn, I had someone making me feel like a disappointment. And I remind you, it had basically been weeks since I graduated. I had moved three hours away for college, lost many friends, and fell into a severe depression on my journey to a better future.

All I wanted was to feel like it was okay to have time. Time to find myself again, time to find happiness again, time to become strong again. Unfortunately this time would not come for years. And it was basically because I ended up getting out of the situation and saying no to people that I was able to rediscover myself again. I have just recently developed the mindset that I don’t have to be what everyone else wants. I don’t have to let every single person make me feel bad. I don’t have to let everyone criticize me for something they know nothing about. I know my journey, I know where I’ve been, I know what I want in my life. All I ever needed was to just stop listening to everyone else’s opinions and follow my own path for a change.

Dancer

I used to dance on my porch late at night. When no one was home and I danced by only the glow of the street light.

Against the forest covered in moonlight, there was no one home and never once did I feel alone.

Only freedom, knowing I was not a dancer, dancing under a blanket of stars and firefly lights.

I burned brightly as one of them, feeling the warmth of the summer heat shielding me from the cold winter.

You don’t know this. I never told you. That I was a dancer in that not so dark night.

I was the one burning brightly when no one was around. I was the one that shining against the forest of the night.

Not the fireflies, the moon and stars, or the porch light. Just me. Lighting up my own backyard alone and free. I have never once been alone because I had me, I was my own partner, my own company.

Reflection Wednesday

Raining, writing, cup of tea, kind of day.

There’s something lovely about putting on my hipster glasses, making a big cup of green tea with my favorite Cinnabon creamer, putting on an oversized sweater, and then sitting down to my writing desk and pouring all of my thoughts into the keyboard.

It’s something that has always been so perfect for me. Today I feel dreamy and thoughtful. I’m thinking of pumpkin patches, fall scented candles, long walks in the forest when all of the leaves are changing and taking my camera on my little journey. It’s raining and completely dreary and honestly the perfect writing weather.

Something about the rain and thunderstorms have always brought out the emotional, creative part in me. Like there’s more soul in the air. Anxiety has held me back from so many opportunities because I was too afraid I would die, get sick, or fail. I often think what I would do if I didn’t have anxiety. It’s constantly screaming at you, making the smallest things into mountains, and it makes you feel like everything is scary.

I could probably list about 20 to 30 things I do or don’t do because of my anxiety. Wash my hands several times a day, go running at only certain times, don’t wear or say what I want or be who I want because of the fear of others hating it. To be honest, I don’t have friends. I don’t meet many people because of my anxiety and I often have difficulty relating to or talking to other people.

Hence, the blog.

I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to create some connections, relate to other people with mental illness, and maybe forge a career in writing. It’s always been a passion. It makes me feel like I can get what I want to say out because I often mind my emotions are all over the place, it helps me organize and visualize how I feel and what I want. This has just been a little reflection and a little about my thoughts on this rainy wednesday. Have a great day ☔️

Take Time To Feel It

Take the day to wallow in it. Take time for yourself to just be absolutely miserable. Cry. Cry in the shower. Cry in your car. Just let it go. Let the pain takeover for this set amount of time. Eat unwell, cry too much, be alone, do all the things you refuse to do because your trying to seem okay. Sometimes it’s good to just be in pain and let all of the past hardships just takeover so you can feel. Not let it win. Just feel it. Just stop ignoring the amount of pain you’re in.

Then get up. Get up and change everything. That night get a good, long sleep and the next day feel yourself conquer the past, the fear, the anger, and the pain. Do something that will shock the world. Shock yourself. Make yourself someone no one ever thought possible. Change your outcome. I have felt the last 25 years of anger, bullying, pressure, depression, and anxiety completely consume me this week. It’s because I let it. You can’t ignore pain, physical or emotional. It’s best to recognize it, feel it, then heal it. Then go back out there and do the incredible. Do something that makes you laugh, makes you good scared. Be red, be bold, be you, be amazing. Just let it go.

Love You, Fellow Bloggers

When I’m writing I somehow feel somehow less alone because I know that there’s other people out there like me. Writing dialogue in their head, creating story characters, plots, and whodunnits.

When I make a post and I see the likes and views come flooding in I somehow feel, well…home. Writing gives me a connection to people that speaking never could. It’s like when I’m trying to talk to someone I can’t quite get the words right and I always feel misunderstood.

But, writing is so beautiful to me because I can sense the world saying me too when I write a blog. Sorry to get mushy on you guys but I love knowing that there’s people out there that feel just as alone and misunderstood as I do because I guess it feels like at least we’re alone together.

Sometimes My Anxiety Destroys Me

This is a very honest, slightly emotional post, and a bit of a rant here. But, sometimes you just have to express how you feel somewhere. I am also a little nervous to share this because this below is sometimes what anxiety and depression can do and because it’s the most honest thing I have posted so far.

So, since I have been trying to be as open and honest about myself on my blog as I can, there’s something I would like to share with you. I am sure some people will think this comes across as whining, but after a while even repeated minor bullying can take it’s toll.

You know the expressions. “Get tougher” “You need thicker skin” “Don’t be so sensitive”. I have heard these things throughout my life. And, not that that’s bad advice, its just so much easier said then done, especially for someone with anxiety, depression, and someone who’s a bit of a recluse. I recently had a talk with my mom about how I was feeling. I do a favor for someone then they don’t get back to me when I need a favor, family members that won’t get back to me when I text them, but am expected to be available for them because I am the older sibling, strangers assuming I’ll do uncomfortable tasks for them, or ridiculous teasing and bullying from friends and family. Sometimes I love just being alone.

I don’t like to leave my apartment, I really don’t love being around lots of people, or family gatherings because, and I’ll just look like a total wuss here, but its because I usually end up with my feelings hurt. Now look, I get it. People can say things without realizing they hurt you or maybe their just having a bad day, all of that I can get on board with. But, when do we accept that people can just be jerks. That I cannot accept. Because today, my hike was cut incredibly short because of it. When did it become okay to just hurt someone to hurt someone?

I had been looking forward to going hiking for a while and I actually tried to last weekend but long story short there was no parking left. So, of course pretty upset that I had drove out there, brought my camera, got excited to get out but still be alone, I was of course bummed. So, today I decided to try again. I brought my camera, had been looking forward to getting out in nature, I was beaming. However, it was still very crowded and there were lots of other people hiking but I took a few photos and was enjoying this time. But a group of people were grilling and hanging out in the wooded part of the park that I had to cross. I was trying to figure out how to get back onto the wooded path when a group of young adults in a car began barking and growling at me as I passed by. Of course being startled, they all laughed at me. They even screamed a few racist remarks towards me and I inwardly broke inside.

I basically hightailed it back to my car and cried. Yes, cried.

Sometimes people with anxiety are doing something brave. Something you don’t even know about. Sometimes were doing something that you cannot even began to imagine how difficult it is for us. I think had this particular event happened another day, another month, I would have kept moving through my hike. But, I honestly just felt broken. Sometimes you are tired of growing thicker skin, you’re tired of having to be tough, sometimes you wonder why you even have to be. Why can’t people just be kind instead of other people developing anxiety and depression over these bad moments that keep repeating themselves. Sometimes the world just seems backwards. Sometimes you have absolutely no idea what someone is going through.

A few years ago I suffered a mental breakdown, I didn’t sleep or eat for about three or four days. I was in and out of the hospital for panic attacks, I was collapsing to the ground, and I was put on several different medications for anxiety and depression. I am still fighting my way back from an abusive ex-boyfriend, a mental breakdown, highly critical parents, and essentially myself. I am on a journey you know nothing about. You see it as “I never texted them back, oh well, no big deal,” they see it as “I am not even important enough for a response” you break a person especially someone with low-self esteem like myself. I will spend hours wondering if I did something to upset them or wonder why I wasn’t important enough to respond to. Yes, anxiety played a huge part in my little breakdown today but sometimes people can be cruel for no other reason then wrong place, wrong time. I have retreated back into my little world and I’ll wait for the courage to try something new again.

What You’re Not Seeing

A few weeks ago I decided to try a self-experiment. I wanted to stop getting on social media because it was depressing me and crushing my self-esteem. So I wanted to take a break and see if it improved my confidence and self worth to not look at what other people are doing.

So I’m about to be brutally honest with you. I know what your thinking, great another post about how things aren’t what they seem on social media. But, this is just more specifically what I learned from not getting on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. This is a photo of me when I do my makeup.

The truth is this photo was taken this morning and I was actually about 20 minutes from an anxiety attack.

This photo makes it seem that I’m feeling confident, sexy, and beautiful. But, behind that smile lies a completely different story. Last night I ran three miles because I wanted to make sure I could unwind enough to sleep later. I was seeing my family on my Dad’s side the next day and I was completely stressed. I often have to run out that extra level of anxiety in order to function. There’s so much that’s not being said. My lesson from not using social media is that I honestly didn’t realize how controlling it was.

How often I think that “oh, I should post about this because I want people to be impressed,” rather than actually having peace and just enjoying that moment. We’re constantly thinking about those “Instagram worthy” moments or we’re always looking for approval that we matter. What I realized through my week of no social media is that I already matter and I’m beautiful without worrying about how many likes my post gets, that I shouldn’t measure myself by others opinions. In truth this photo is also, obviously me.

But you would think these are two different people. This is me right before running three miles to run out that sadness and self hatred you can so obviously see written all over my face. There are things you don’t know. I hate myself very frequently, I have very low self esteems, and I struggle with severe anxiety and depression and after this week I know that no amount of likes is going to change that, only I can.

A Little Kitten Photography Never Hurt Nobody.

Daphne and Phoebe

Daphne

Phoebe

Phoebe

Daphne

Phoebe

Daphne

Phoebe

Daphne

Phoebe

Take Care

It has recently dawned on me that I haven’t take a vitamin in about a month, I haven’t really been exercising, and I don’t think I can remember the last piece of fruit I ate unless you count an apple granola bar…and I don’t think anyone would.

Mental health and physical health are so often linked. I used to run three miles or so just to get my anxiety to calm down or rather get myself so exhausted I couldn’t overthink anymore. But lately, my nerves have been going wild. I’m much more irritable, I’m easily worked up and angered, I feel depressed, and overall just unmotivated. I am angry towards the past and things that I cannot control. I’ve realized I’m not taking care. I’m not eating well, sleeping enough, exercising, or giving myself any forgiveness.

I am the type of person that puts way too much pressure on themselves and on others. However, I have never actually noticed this about myself it’s just something I’ve been told. I think it’s because so much was expected of me growing up especially as the older sibling, I just think that everyone acts to that level of perfection.

But believe me, I can’t tell you how much I don’t see perfection when I look at myself. There’s times that I crumble. I remember the past. I remember having to be perfect. But, I don’t want perfect. I just want me. The best way to be me is to take care of me. Light a candle, read a book, go on a walk, eat healthy, get some exercise, and get rest.

Not Losing Weight For My Vanity, But For My Sanity

Hi Everyone!

So okay, here we go. Another blog I am pretty nervous to post. Takes big breath…and publish!

I am sick of who I am. I have been very depressed, dysfunctional, anxious, unmotivated, and honestly incredibly unhappy for a while.

Great, I’m unhappy. Now what.

I have tried to lose weight in the past and I have tried to be healthy but it never seems to stick. Now, I’m not saying I’m an overweight person or necessarily an unhealthy person but I am an insecure person.

So, I had this idea this morning that maybe I could write my weightloss and get healthy journey on my blog. It gives me a reason to stick with it and also maybe some support. I think it’s the fact that I don’t think I can do this, that I never try or give up too easily. I think my life overall would improve with creating a healthy lifestyle.

I used to be an athletic person in high school, but after college I gained about 30 pounds from depression and anxiety. I managed to take about 20 pounds off but I never really got back into fitness or really got that confidence back. I actually developed an eating disorder over the stress of trying to take it off.

Running was such a big part of my life, I ran track, cross country, would even run and exercise on weekends. For a while I was healthy and when I think about it used to be a great outlet for me. My anxiety was much more under control. So this isn’t necessarily just about weight loss because it’s not. This is for my happiness and my courage. My mental health and my confidence.

It’s about me and maybe with a little support and actually writing it down I can stick with it. I will admit I am insecure and unhappy. I believe that changing my diet and fitness regime is not only good for my body but for my mind.

A little TMI coming up here. I have health issues involving my IBS so a lot of frequent constipation and bloating. I also can admit that I am very insecure in the bedroom. I usually have to be a little tipsy in order to relax. I don’t really see myself as sexy or beautiful. I feel like I’m missing out on happiness, a great relationship, and my own life. That’s what I mean when I say it’s not losing weight for vanity but for my sanity.

I believe that many of these issues can be resolved with a much healthier diet and more exercise. I don’t want to waste my life thinking next week for sure, next month I’ll start, next year…

Things won’t change unless I do and I actually hate sayings like that because it always feels like so cliche. But, it is actually true. I think that dropping about ten pounds, toning up, and eating well will improve almost everything about myself. Confidence to try new things, wear that dress hiding in the back of my closet, reduce my anxiety, and give me less social anxiety just knowing I feel great.

I’m thinking to document my progress what I’m eating, my exercises and writing down how my mental health is too. It gives it a story not just another internal struggle.

So hopefully this is a new chapter and a new blog journey for me. Wish me luck!🍀🍀🌷