Imperfectly You

Love is sloppy. It doesn’t come wrapped up in a neat bow ready to unfold perfectly.

Love is unexpected in every aspect. With who, how, when. I love your imperfections. How in depth you get with each project. You told me you never start something that your not ready to take seriously. Career choices, projects, hobbies…me.

You are someone that never makes decisions lightly. So to say that you love me, means that I know I’ll never be let go.

Love means imperfection. You don’t love someone because their perfect. You love them in spite of the fact that their not. Love is hard, love is loving someone for reasons you didn’t know existed.

A Love For A Dog Never Dies

Dog love means not being able to stand up or move for a while because you don’t want to wake them 💜

Hello Everyone!

This is Cooper. And, this is a picture of my Mom holding him to calm him at his probably first time at a vet. Every time I visit home, I sit down on a chair and he jumps up into my lap and eventually falls asleep. He is about three years old and after my German Shepherd, Sam passed away last October, we adopted this little guy from the ASPCA a little while after. Let me tell you, it is possible to love another pet after another’s passing.

Sam was my childhood dog that was in my life for 10 years. He watched me leave for college, he comforted me through my anxiety, and he was a constant protector (almost too much). Sam will always have a special place in my heart. But, I think there will always be more room for something new.

Cooper obviously, had some pretty big paws to fill, but I love him just as much as I loved Sam. Cooper has been around with us for almost a year and he was clearly abused by someone in his past. It makes me feel a little better knowing that even though I lost Sam, I get to love and protect something all over again.

New Games I’m Excited For!

So I’m actually very excited that some of my favorite games are getting sequels! Ahh! So excited!

My first game I’m incredibly excited about is Life is Strange 2. From what I’m reading we won’t be following Max and Chloe but two brothers names Daniel and Sean. I really liked Life is Strange. I thought it was beautiful to just watch and I really found myself loving the soundtrack. I even wanted to get myself an instant camera and hang the pictures on my wall. I know nerd…Anyway the first installment comes out September 27th just in time for Fall and just creepy stuff. So I will definitely be playing it.

Second, I am so excited that they are making a Wolf Among Us 2. I absolutely loved the first game. I’m pretty sure I completed it in about three days. I loved the Modern Fairytale twist background to it. Unfortunately, this doesn’t come out till 2019 but still, very excited!

Third, Until Dawn has announced their making The Dark Pictures Anthology Game installments and the first will be Man of Medan. Hopefully, I’m explaining that correctly. Anyway, they are planning to release Man of Medan in 2019 which looks terrifying. I’m so excited! I loved playing Until Dawn, I did not do great with keeping everyone alive but I still really enjoyed it.

So there we go! I’m also waiting for an announcement for L.A. Noire two but, this is pretty exciting. I love having a fun game to curl up and play during the colder months. I also think it helps with mental health considering I’m so focused on the game it’s hard to worry about much else. I have also played a demo for Unravel Two and I loved it. I thought it was fun and adorable, definitely something to try with a friend. Anyway, these are games I’m looking forward to, have a great week!💜

Five Things You Don’t Know About Me

I love anything with a good mystery or a great twist ending. I will watch any of the movie adaption of Agatha Christie Novels. However, I think I preferred the book And Then There Were None as opposed to the mini series that aired on BBC One. (Just my preference) My favorite shows and movies with mystery are any of the M. Night Shyamalan movies, I really liked Signs, The Sixth Sense, and Unbreakable. I’m very excited to watch Glass. Obviously, Sherlock, Agatha Christie’s Poirot, Stranger Things, and Doctor Who. Some have more mystery than others but basically anything that makes me have to fit the pieces together and really pay attention to detail, I just love to see if I can figure out the ending or whodunnit. I think I could have made a good detective. Ah…a Clue… P.S. I loved that movie too.

I’m a gamer, but a picky gamer. I’ve played Fortnite, some Halo, a little Call of Duty. But, I’m not so into the first-person shooter games as I am roleplay more Life is Strange type of games. Which I loved. I like more independent games or standalone games rather than Assassins Creed and Halo. After a while it just gets too much I think and I usually feel a little bored. So far, my favorite games are L.A. Noire, Life is Strange, Until Dawn, Wolf Among Us, and the Telltale Walking Dead games.

I will watch anything with Cary Grant. Arsenic and Old Lace, The Philadelphia Story, and His Girl Friday. I love those old movies. Something about a Friday night curling with Chinese Food, a glass of wine and an old movie makes me so happy. Top Hat, Bringing Up Baby, and Gentleman Prefer Blondes, just the best.

I’m actually an amazing cook. Yes, braggy but it’s true. However, some nights the idea of cooking is too much so I’ll just make whatever or stop at Wawa. But, when I find a recipe on Pinterest or just get an urge to cook something fairly complicated, I think I really do a great job. Some of this might stem from anxiety and perfectionism. But, something about cooking I know is going to taste amazing and I didn’t just heat up makes me feel comforted and happy especially when the person or people I’m cooking for give you that wow face and ask you to definitely make this again. Just makes me feel very happy and who doesn’t like to bake fancy cupcakes sometimes?

I actually really enjoy photography but, I rarely seem to get out there and give it a try. I think all of the settings, lighting, just all the random stuff can be intimidating. But, its something I like to try and do, I think using some of my own photography work throughout my blog would be a great idea. So, hopefully as the leaves start to turn and everything gets more aesthetically pleasing, there will be some nature photography and lets be honest a little more pet photography.
Have an awesome weekend everyone!

Always

A story must always be told, it’s the only way you can unfold. No truer words can be spoken than the words of your own mind that cannot be broken.

When your a writer, there’s always a story that needs to come out. It may take months or years but eventually you can’t run from the story that’s always in your mind. In my mind I’m always seeing another tale to tell, I can’t help it. Things people say to me in conversation I think could be used as great dialogue in a book. Or when I hear a song I immediately think of a plot or a character to go along with it. Words are never just words and music is never just music when your a writer at heart.

Writing was something I had given up on because I thought it was a path I was meant to follow. Instead I found it to be brutal once I had to follow the structure of a news story and writing became more about how its written, than what’s being said. I felt like I had lost the passion, the enjoyment, the fun. I had lost myself.

But, when your a writer, it somehow seems to find you. That story…you’re story. The one that’s fact or fiction. The one that only exists in your mind or the one that exists from memory. One that comes from imagination or another that comes from the journey. A story must always be told.

How I feel as an INFJ in 2018

In today’s society, we can all feel a little rushed or overwhelmed at times. However, as an INFJ I feel as though I am noticing the bigger picture in our world. It’s sometimes difficult to see beyond our own problems and our very busy lives. But does anyone really stop and wonder about how many people in the world must be living in devastation and tragedy.

I think about the animals that are being harmed and tortured, I think about our planet, the solar system and how many billions of lives that are suffering and I just feel sad that I can’t help each and everyone. I think bout tomorrow’s future and how I can help change it. INJFs’ are the people that probably live their lives similar to Batman. If we could look out the windows of our mansions and see the injustice and crime being done then we, without hesitation would put on a mask and save them all. INFJs’ can be dark and light at the same time. I have fallen into a depression and developed anxiety over the stress and sadness caused by our society.

We learn to hate ourselves at a young age, and look up to role models that are either fake or brainwashed. Somehow, as INFJ, I wish every day I could fix the way we think, and bring us up from how far we have fallen. I feel easily saddened and filled with anxiety over how rushed I feel and how much of a failure I feel like because I can’t look or think how society wants me to, and who even knows what that is anymore.

I recently graduated with Bachelors in communications and it’s impossible for me to find a career with only having little experience. I thought being in college and being an adult would make me feel more complete but somehow as an INFJ and as a human, I feel empty, like I have failed somehow. I think it’s difficult wanting to fix so much and do so much good when we really don’t know how to even start. Anyway these are just thoughts of a 20 something millennial in 2018 living as an INFJ. Just my thoughts…

Not A Health Journey, Just My Journey.

(This blog gets a little sad and some possible triggers for people with depression or self harm, just keep in mind I’m doing much better now and feeling better for anyone is possible! Remember to Love Yourself)

This isn’t so much as a weight loss blog post as it is a showing you what depression, anxiety, and misery can do to a person. The post on the left is me at my biggest. I wouldn’t say that I was overweight to a point of unhealthy by a doctor’s standards but I was overweight for mine. I was struggling with all kinds of digestive issues, binging, drinking, physically harming myself, you can honestly see in my face that I almost look like I could cry right at that moment. It’s difficult to look at that picture just thinking about how truly depressed I am.

The worst part is, this was only the beginning of my anxiety. I had yet to have a real panic attack, or stay overnight in a hospital for collapsing. I have yet to start starving myself or have derealization/depersonalization. But, I do remember hitting myself very hard out of anger at myself. Sitting on the floor and slamming the back of my head against a wall, going out and crossing my arms over myself trying to hide my body while digging my nails into my forearms, and just punching myself or slapping my face just out of sheer anger and hatred towards my weakness. I would also frequently make myself get sick after binge eating. I can’t tell you how much I hated almost everything about me. Hair, skin, weight, my lack of motivation. I felt that I didn’t deserve anything. I felt completely alone. This picture was taken at my boyfriends graduation and on the inside I was tearing myself apart for not being able to graduate on time with him.

The next two pictures are me doing a little shopping. I think I just make numb looking faces when I shop because I was not even remotely as sad as I look. I think I get anxious shopping because I’ve never had great fashion sense. However, I look so much more improved. I go running without fear, there is less doubt that I won’t wake up when I fall asleep, and I feel more confident in general. Believe me, I still have bad days. But, I don’t hit myself, or starve myself or make myself get sick after eating, and I’ve started this blog, something I thought I’d never do and it has helped me relate to so many people and give me the chance to share my emotions and story with you.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read!

I now hate this shirt

Trying on shoes a few weeks ago

Trying on a new shirt

My Dysfunctional but I’m Functioning Anxiety Symptoms

1. Check my pulse frequently or have someone else make sure it seems okay. I have a Fitbit that I check my heart rate to make sure my heart is at a good pace.

2. Wash my hands probably up to 15/20 times a day. I will not eat something especially if I have to touch it without washing my hands. I also wash my hands before touching my clean laundry. I won’t prepare food without washing my hands. I also won’t touch clean dishes without washing my hands first. If I don’t wash my hands or a certain food was questionable, it will feel as though my throat is closing and start to breathe heavy and I begin crawling into a ball. Hence, an anxiety attack. So, I pretty much always wash my hands. This is actually a very severe anxiety issue I struggle with. For instance, even if I wash my hands before eating French fries, I will wash them again after I have touched the ketchup bottle. I also always have hand sanitizer with me.

3. Make sure I am drinking enough water not only for fear of being dehydrated but because I’m scared I will faint if I don’t. I had a (it sounds very silly) traumatic fainting experience a few years ago that triggered some very severe anxiety for several months.

4. I get very nervous taking medications and drinking that evening. I know this seems like people shouldn’t drink with like prescription sleeping pills but I will get stressed taking a generic allergy pill and drinking. It used to be much worse though. For a while, I wouldn’t take any medicine at all or drink at all. Not even Tylonel, this is why I have had difficulty taking anti-depressants or anxiety medication. I was terrified I was dying and the Tylonel or sleeping pill or Lexapro was going to kill me if I took it.

5. In public, I am constantly on high alert. I will walk through a grocery store or a mall and realize my heart rate is 101. I even have a weird physical symptom where it feels like my body is being pulled down and it will feel like I’m going to collapse or it feels like the floor is moving underneath me. This has recently been happening more frequently this past week.

The Other Side Of The Stop Light

Hi Everyone!

So just giving everyone a little up to date info for anyone that’s been interested in this 5K journey I’m on.

I ran 3.08 miles in about 36 or 37 minutes today. A little slow but hey it’s the first time I’ve ran three miles in about three months so I’m still proud for doing it.

How’s this for some social anxiety?

I have a stop light in my run path that I usually stop and turn around at because I have too much social anxiety to hit the walk signal button, stand there and wait for the walk signal to appear. Then I feel watched and anxious as people in their cars stare at me as I run by.

Today was the first day since I’ve been running over the last four months that I finally hit the button, waited for the cross signal, and ran across in front of all the cars. It’s silly to people sometimes the things you can have anxiety about but to me this was a terrifying thing and I wanted to overcome it.

I’d always see people running on the other side of the cross walk on the actual running and walking path and think “I wish I was brave enough to run over there, my run is the same thing all the time.” Today I had myself a victory. I loved it. I felt confident and like a real runner on the other side of the cross walk.

Still Running

So, I’m supposed to be training for this 5K, and I have kinda dropped the ball over this past week. I’m not perfect. And sometimes when anxiety hits, EVERYTHING feels like the biggest task and one of the last things you feel like doing is exercising, especially running. But, here we are, I went.

So even though I feel like I’m about to fall over and lay down or just start crying because I’m not fast enough, or because of how much I want a break, sometimes just doing it no matter how bad it looks is still doing it. Also, I would like to ask where is this “Fall” that’s supposed to happen? Running in 80 degrees is awful. Okay enough venting.

Also, I ran passed an Army Veteran in a wheelchair, who gave me a thumbs up cheered me on to “keep going”. So thought I’d share that nice moment with you.