Imperfectly You

Love is sloppy. It doesn’t come wrapped up in a neat bow ready to unfold perfectly.

Love is unexpected in every aspect. With who, how, when. I love your imperfections. How in depth you get with each project. You told me you never start something that your not ready to take seriously. Career choices, projects, hobbies…me.

You are someone that never makes decisions lightly. So to say that you love me, means that I know I’ll never be let go.

Love means imperfection. You don’t love someone because their perfect. You love them in spite of the fact that their not. Love is hard, love is loving someone for reasons you didn’t know existed.

A Love For A Dog Never Dies

Dog love means not being able to stand up or move for a while because you don’t want to wake them 💜

Hello Everyone!

This is Cooper. And, this is a picture of my Mom holding him to calm him at his probably first time at a vet. Every time I visit home, I sit down on a chair and he jumps up into my lap and eventually falls asleep. He is about three years old and after my German Shepherd, Sam passed away last October, we adopted this little guy from the ASPCA a little while after. Let me tell you, it is possible to love another pet after another’s passing.

Sam was my childhood dog that was in my life for 10 years. He watched me leave for college, he comforted me through my anxiety, and he was a constant protector (almost too much). Sam will always have a special place in my heart. But, I think there will always be more room for something new.

Cooper obviously, had some pretty big paws to fill, but I love him just as much as I loved Sam. Cooper has been around with us for almost a year and he was clearly abused by someone in his past. It makes me feel a little better knowing that even though I lost Sam, I get to love and protect something all over again.

And, Now For Something Completely Different

So, I decided to get my hair done after about four months. And, I absolutely love it! Feeling very Fall ready 🍂

Also, sorry for looking a little awkward in the pictures I was exhausted.

The before…

The Awkward, Miss Congeniality, picking up satellite signal picture…

The End Result!!

5 Tips To Help Avoid Severe Anxiety And Depression In College

So your just out of high school and your ready to take on college! It’s an exciting time. So, I would like to give anyone that is struggling with anxiety and depression already or just having difficulty making a decision about their major, a little advice about how to either avoid too much anxiety and depression or at least not create more on themselves. These are some things that I wish I would have done to avoid some severe anxiety and depression during college.

1. Don’t be scared to not know what you want to do. It might seem like the best idea is to just go with a hobby or something you have a minor interest in but do a little research on your major that your deciding on. How likely is it to get a job in that field? What kind of courses do you need to take? Do the classes seem interesting? If some of these things just aren’t lining up for you, its just better to take your time and decide on what YOU want to do for the rest of your life. Don’t let anyone rush you or try to sway you into anything. This is a big decision and it should make you happy and excited.

2. It’s absolutely okay! Not to finish in exactly four years. This is something that I wish I would have learned earlier. I was so concerned with how it would look that I was taking too long to graduate that I ended just picking a minor in anything and also just feeling rushed and pressure all of the time. So just remember to go at your own pace.

3. Make new friends and push yourself to try new things! I went to a satellite campus my first two years and had a lot of difficulty making friends at the main campus during my second two. Which had a lot to do with me just trying to keep the same friends at my old campus. But of course, the guy I was dating broke up with me and the girls that were my friends we had a big falling out. And of course, being alone, sad, and hating my major didn’t make for a good concoction. So just remember to try and meet new people! So absolutely keep the friends you’ve made just make sure to create some other circles and do things just for you. This is your time so meet as many fun people as you can! Create a life for you during this time.

4. Keep up with good diet and exercise habits! This one was probably one of the worsts for me. Not only was I alone, but I didn’t want to go out because I had put on so much weight. It also go to a point where I just didn’t want to do anything about it. But I used to run, eat pretty decent and I got up to the main campus and stopped running and began eating a lot of take out. And this is absolutely okay to do once in a while but if you have a healthy regimen try and stick with it or create one. This really just added to the depression and anxiety. This actually led to an eating disorder later on from trying to take the weight off as fast as possible. So just be sure to stay healthy! It will keep you mentally happy as well.

5. You are allowed to change your mind! I truly wish an advisor had said this to me. I felt like I was stuck in a major I didn’t want and no way to get out. It felt more like a sentence than a great experience. This goes back number 1. here but I just want to reiterate that you should choose a major you want to have and a career you truly feel passionate about. I can’t tell you how many classes I either missed or just barely paid attention to because I just felt so uninterested and depressed.

So anyway, these are just my tips on how to avoid anxiety and depression or just any extreme pressure while your in college. These can help you if your already struggling with anxiety in college or you just want a little advice on how to not get overwhelmed. Since, this is all coming from someone that did develop severe anxiety and depression during college and this is all what I would have changed. If I could go back and do things differently or give someone else advice, these five tips would be it. Just remember to live your life, have fun, and make strong decisions!

Good luck! 💜

My Self Care Routine

So, whether it’s just busy month or I’m just feeling some depression I think one of the most healthy things I do for myself is to take about an hour or even just an entire Saturday afternoon to do things just for me. To do all those little things that I either don’t have the time or energy for. But, I take time to make myself look better with things other than just a rushed shower and makeup. I do these things to take out some time for just me. So that during the week I know that even my rushed routine looks a lot better just knowing I’ve got a little bit more confidence and I feel more attractive because of this time I set aside.

1. I do my eyebrows. Something that’s a little times consuming but helps that sometimes rushed look, look even more put together. It helps frame my face and I helps me feel more confident knowing everything is in place on my face.

2. A face mask. I usually do a cucumber peel mask, because it helps clear my skin from makeup and dirt but also it helps hydrate my skin too. Face masks can range from what they are supposed to do and price so pick something that works for you. Doing a face mask just makes me feel fresh and helps make me feel more put together.

3. Shave. Sometimes I just don’t feel like it and especially with summer dying down it’s a lot easier to put this on the back burner. Shaving just helps anyone feel more attractive. I walk around in my pjs feeling more confident. My legs feel soft and again and I just feel more feminine and beautiful. Especially, when I shave my legs and put lotion on and some comfy clothes with a big cup of tea or anything pumpkin spice or apple flavored during fall with a funny show or a good book. I feel so comfortable and calm. It actually makes a great anxiety soother.

4. Lotion. I don’t know about you, but my skin can get very dry through the fall and winter months and especially with hot showers and shaving. Sometimes I will also put on some lotion that has some type of tanner in it. It can give off that illusion of being tan which actually boosts my mood and makes me feel less pale and depressed. Now I’m a tan, shaved, Goddess. But, seriously just throwing on scented lotion, tanning lotion, or just some actual lotion that’s got oatmeal and all kinds of hydrating ingredients can make all the difference.

5. Some type of exercise. For me, this is running. Running sucks but I really do feel better after I’ve gone. I think knowing that I ran a mile or two just makes me feel confident. Stronger too. But, anything that helps you feel strong and good about yourself. Do a workout or a machine that you somewhat enjoy. Doing some exercise may not seem amazing in the moment but afterwards and throughout the rest of the day you just feel calmer. Sometimes I run because there’s so much going on in my head that I think I’m going to burst. So I run. And, I run until I don’t feel so anxious.

6. Drink water. Yes, some days I will make myself drink 5, 6, 7 bottles of water because I can tell my lips are dry, mouth is dry, my skin is a mess. So there are times when I will just drink extra. It helps to just flush out toxins and hydrate my skin and body. You wouldn’t think make this part of a self care routine necessarily but, I know there’s days where I just feel sluggish and think I have not been drinking enough.

7. Tidy. This is something I will do before I even start my self care routine. Something about knowing the apartment is cleaned up makes me feel like I can enjoy myself and relax. Like I’m allowed to take this time for myself. Seriously, I will set a timer for 15 to 20 minutes and just clean up. You’d be surprised what you can do with 20 minutes. Just taking a little time to spruce up your surroundings, this makes me feel calm and eases my anxiety.

Still Running

So, I’m supposed to be training for this 5K, and I have kinda dropped the ball over this past week. I’m not perfect. And sometimes when anxiety hits, EVERYTHING feels like the biggest task and one of the last things you feel like doing is exercising, especially running. But, here we are, I went.

So even though I feel like I’m about to fall over and lay down or just start crying because I’m not fast enough, or because of how much I want a break, sometimes just doing it no matter how bad it looks is still doing it. Also, I would like to ask where is this “Fall” that’s supposed to happen? Running in 80 degrees is awful. Okay enough venting.

Also, I ran passed an Army Veteran in a wheelchair, who gave me a thumbs up cheered me on to “keep going”. So thought I’d share that nice moment with you.

100 Follows!

Thank you so much to everyone that has followed my blog. It makes me so happy to know there’s people out there reading about how I feel and my experiences. I was incredibly nervous to start this journey but I am very happy I did. I never thought I would start a blog because I was so afraid to have people read about how I feel and what people might say. It makes me feel amazing that this has come so far. Everyone has been so supportive and I feel very happy to be writing again.

Thank you so much!

Who Didn’t Let The Dogs Out?

So you guys, do I have a tale for you…

Ah, mental health, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, unhappiness. As you already know. But, I decided I would do something strong and something bigger then myself and volunteer somewhere. Sounds like a good idea right?

I browsed a few volunteer opportunities, specifically working with dogs because they make my mood so much better and I just really like animals.

So I found a place called Furever Homes Doberman Rescue. They needed volunteers to help out with a somewhat local pet fair. It was where I used to live at my Mom’s so about a 45 minute drive away. Not horrible.

I let them know I was interested and the person told me they desperately needed someone for a 1-3pm shift. I agreed and gave them my number to contact me so as she put it I wouldn’t wander around looking for them. I was incredibly nervous just from social anxiety and because I was doing something out of my comfort zone but the fact that I was helping dogs comforted me and made me strong.

So the day finally came. I had been excited knowing I was doing something good and doing something brave, also hoping for a confidence boost. I planned around this day. There were plans and events that I didn’t go to because I wanted to do this.

(I would also like to mention that I get incredibly tense and nervous before anything I have to do like family functions or any events and usually end up fighting with my boyfriend just out of the pressure.)

So I fight with boyfriend, I stress over the right clothes to wear, I barely eat out of anxiety and I get in my car and drive the 45 minutes. I get there about 12:50 and start walking around the fair. I don’t see the tent labeled Furever Homes Doberman Rescue. I circle the area twice and even email her remembering that I was supposed to get a text so this exact situation wouldn’t happen. I let her know that I’m looking for them but I never got her number as who would have thought I would have really needed it. I decide to ask an official where their location was and he pointed me in the direction of their supposed to be tent location, number 39 he says to me as he looks at the tent arrangement chart.

I began walking over and see numbers spray painted on the ground. I count in my head 42, 41, 40…..39.

Nothing.

No tent. No dogs. No nothing. Just an empty plot.

I ask the next tent organization over if the people here had left. They told me no one ever was here, they never showed up.

I felt invisible. Like something had reached into my heart and threw it on the floor. I even did a third lap reading each of the tents again to just absolutely make sure I didn’t miss it. I didn’t. They just never showed and never contacted me to let me know they wouldn’t be there. I called the organization five times yesterday when I got home and each time I got a voicemail.

I just felt so broken that I just wanted to do something nice, something to help someone else. They said they desperately needed someone for 1-3pm. I was there. I looked at that empty plot and felt like it was almost a metaphor for my life with anxiety. You just want so bad to reach out and find something that can help and nothing’s there. And it shatters you.

This realization that sometimes you can do everything possible to stand up and be strong but there’s nothing to hold on to. I felt so embarrassed, and like such a loser. A volunteer opportunity came through and the entire organization never showed. I was stood up. Ouch. It even crosses my mind that what kind of condition are the dogs in that these…these people…the ones that don’t even bring them to an adoption opportunity are the ones taking care of them?

I never got an email back. No text. No call. Just, I didn’t matter that much. Everything about this makes me feel angry, hurt, invisible, and stupid at the same time. I just drove to my Mom’s and pet Cooper the little dog you may have seen in previous posts. I picked up a few things and drove home. I called the organization five times. It still hurts to think that there were so many dogs getting adopted and people just walking around with their own dogs. Being loved and getting cookies and treats and attention, and the dogs at this place would never know how that felt.

Yesterday, I felt sorry for myself. I did. I could only see my failure as a human being. But, today it breaks my heart knowing some of these dogs could have been adopted and no one brought them. I think that’s what hurts more in the clear light of day. Where are these people? No one answered my email, the phone? Where are the dogs? If they would treat a human volunteer like this…how hard are they really trying to get these dogs adopted and how are the dogs being treated in their care?

Fake It Till You Make It

I have absolutely no confidence. My self-esteem is non-existent. It’s not even that I see myself as necessarily ugly or unattractive, but every time my boyfriend compliments or tries to hold me I can feel myself mentally crawling into a ball. I was not pretty in middle school and I often felt invisible.

High school was not much better and it didn’t help that my first boyfriend was possessive, controlling, and often played the victim. It made me feel for the longest time that this was the only guy that would ever want me and he’s what I thought love was and what I deserved. College was better, but even still I had boyfriends that cheated or just made me feel like I was a bother or a nuisance.

After this, I did end up dating someone who I am still with but during the first few months I developed depression from the pressure of college and ended up gaining 30 pounds. I have lost almost all of that weight. But, I still see myself as heavy, in need of toning, or not curvy enough in the right places. I can’t help but compare myself to Instagram models and think “that’s what beautiful looks like” and then I look at myself and think if I looked like that I could be confident. My relationship with my boyfriend feels on hold until I look and feel the way I think I’m supposed to.

I have become inwardly mean to myself. I beat myself up for not being perfect. I have so much difficulty accepting compliments from my boyfriend because I can’t help but think “he’s supposed to say stuff like that he doesn’t really mean it.” I have very little patience or love for myself and I will be honest and say this has taken its toll on our relationship. He’s frustrated and I feel unable to fix my mindset. I just see a girl who used to be fat and is somewhat better and after five years of dating I think he will get sick of me and leave.

I have been doing some research today about how to be confident but I think I have landed on the fake it till you make it mindset. I want to try for at least one week to just accept a compliment and not think he’s just lying to you. I want wear the shirts I never feel sexy enough to wear them. I want to fake it in my body language, how I talk, how I present myself. I’m exhausted of thinking makeup, shaving, or exercising pointless.

I’ve let myself become depressed before but I’m just staying inside of it and letting it take over. I don’t want to waste my life thinking awful things about myself that aren’t true. I have been having heart palpitations for days. I have been sad. I think it’s because I feel overwhelmed at the thought of being confident, happy and beautiful. After having depression and anxiety for so long, you actually become comfortable in the misery. You just think this is all there is and I don’t want to fail trying to find out if there’s more.

But, I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to just surrender to hating myself and being afraid all of the time. I’m fat. I hate myself. My boyfriend will leave. I’m so irrelevant. When do I just say “Stop!” And just think something positive without talking myself out of it.

Just an update!

Hi everyone!

It’s been a while, lots of social distancing, face mask wearing, worrying, and not enough writing. Quite a bit has changed since my last update. I have left a job that was in a word, toxic and I have recently moved to a different state. So, things were better in that aspect. I definitely have missed writing and I’m really hoping to get back into it. I might be the only one , but I’m actually a little tired of summer, I’m ready for sweaters and pumpkin everything. I hope everyone is staying safe out there and trying to find ways to stay positive even a little bit.

Look for more!