Take Care

It has recently dawned on me that I haven’t take a vitamin in about a month, I haven’t really been exercising, and I don’t think I can remember the last piece of fruit I ate unless you count an apple granola bar…and I don’t think anyone would.

Mental health and physical health are so often linked. I used to run three miles or so just to get my anxiety to calm down or rather get myself so exhausted I couldn’t overthink anymore. But lately, my nerves have been going wild. I’m much more irritable, I’m easily worked up and angered, I feel depressed, and overall just unmotivated. I am angry towards the past and things that I cannot control. I’ve realized I’m not taking care. I’m not eating well, sleeping enough, exercising, or giving myself any forgiveness.

I am the type of person that puts way too much pressure on themselves and on others. However, I have never actually noticed this about myself it’s just something I’ve been told. I think it’s because so much was expected of me growing up especially as the older sibling, I just think that everyone acts to that level of perfection.

But believe me, I can’t tell you how much I don’t see perfection when I look at myself. There’s times that I crumble. I remember the past. I remember having to be perfect. But, I don’t want perfect. I just want me. The best way to be me is to take care of me. Light a candle, read a book, go on a walk, eat healthy, get some exercise, and get rest.

My Self Care Routine

So, whether it’s just busy month or I’m just feeling some depression I think one of the most healthy things I do for myself is to take about an hour or even just an entire Saturday afternoon to do things just for me. To do all those little things that I either don’t have the time or energy for. But, I take time to make myself look better with things other than just a rushed shower and makeup. I do these things to take out some time for just me. So that during the week I know that even my rushed routine looks a lot better just knowing I’ve got a little bit more confidence and I feel more attractive because of this time I set aside.

1. I do my eyebrows. Something that’s a little times consuming but helps that sometimes rushed look, look even more put together. It helps frame my face and I helps me feel more confident knowing everything is in place on my face.

2. A face mask. I usually do a cucumber peel mask, because it helps clear my skin from makeup and dirt but also it helps hydrate my skin too. Face masks can range from what they are supposed to do and price so pick something that works for you. Doing a face mask just makes me feel fresh and helps make me feel more put together.

3. Shave. Sometimes I just don’t feel like it and especially with summer dying down it’s a lot easier to put this on the back burner. Shaving just helps anyone feel more attractive. I walk around in my pjs feeling more confident. My legs feel soft and again and I just feel more feminine and beautiful. Especially, when I shave my legs and put lotion on and some comfy clothes with a big cup of tea or anything pumpkin spice or apple flavored during fall with a funny show or a good book. I feel so comfortable and calm. It actually makes a great anxiety soother.

4. Lotion. I don’t know about you, but my skin can get very dry through the fall and winter months and especially with hot showers and shaving. Sometimes I will also put on some lotion that has some type of tanner in it. It can give off that illusion of being tan which actually boosts my mood and makes me feel less pale and depressed. Now I’m a tan, shaved, Goddess. But, seriously just throwing on scented lotion, tanning lotion, or just some actual lotion that’s got oatmeal and all kinds of hydrating ingredients can make all the difference.

5. Some type of exercise. For me, this is running. Running sucks but I really do feel better after I’ve gone. I think knowing that I ran a mile or two just makes me feel confident. Stronger too. But, anything that helps you feel strong and good about yourself. Do a workout or a machine that you somewhat enjoy. Doing some exercise may not seem amazing in the moment but afterwards and throughout the rest of the day you just feel calmer. Sometimes I run because there’s so much going on in my head that I think I’m going to burst. So I run. And, I run until I don’t feel so anxious.

6. Drink water. Yes, some days I will make myself drink 5, 6, 7 bottles of water because I can tell my lips are dry, mouth is dry, my skin is a mess. So there are times when I will just drink extra. It helps to just flush out toxins and hydrate my skin and body. You wouldn’t think make this part of a self care routine necessarily but, I know there’s days where I just feel sluggish and think I have not been drinking enough.

7. Tidy. This is something I will do before I even start my self care routine. Something about knowing the apartment is cleaned up makes me feel like I can enjoy myself and relax. Like I’m allowed to take this time for myself. Seriously, I will set a timer for 15 to 20 minutes and just clean up. You’d be surprised what you can do with 20 minutes. Just taking a little time to spruce up your surroundings, this makes me feel calm and eases my anxiety.

Not A Health Journey, Just My Journey.

(This blog gets a little sad and some possible triggers for people with depression or self harm, just keep in mind I’m doing much better now and feeling better for anyone is possible! Remember to Love Yourself)

This isn’t so much as a weight loss blog post as it is a showing you what depression, anxiety, and misery can do to a person. The post on the left is me at my biggest. I wouldn’t say that I was overweight to a point of unhealthy by a doctor’s standards but I was overweight for mine. I was struggling with all kinds of digestive issues, binging, drinking, physically harming myself, you can honestly see in my face that I almost look like I could cry right at that moment. It’s difficult to look at that picture just thinking about how truly depressed I am.

The worst part is, this was only the beginning of my anxiety. I had yet to have a real panic attack, or stay overnight in a hospital for collapsing. I have yet to start starving myself or have derealization/depersonalization. But, I do remember hitting myself very hard out of anger at myself. Sitting on the floor and slamming the back of my head against a wall, going out and crossing my arms over myself trying to hide my body while digging my nails into my forearms, and just punching myself or slapping my face just out of sheer anger and hatred towards my weakness. I would also frequently make myself get sick after binge eating. I can’t tell you how much I hated almost everything about me. Hair, skin, weight, my lack of motivation. I felt that I didn’t deserve anything. I felt completely alone. This picture was taken at my boyfriends graduation and on the inside I was tearing myself apart for not being able to graduate on time with him.

The next two pictures are me doing a little shopping. I think I just make numb looking faces when I shop because I was not even remotely as sad as I look. I think I get anxious shopping because I’ve never had great fashion sense. However, I look so much more improved. I go running without fear, there is less doubt that I won’t wake up when I fall asleep, and I feel more confident in general. Believe me, I still have bad days. But, I don’t hit myself, or starve myself or make myself get sick after eating, and I’ve started this blog, something I thought I’d never do and it has helped me relate to so many people and give me the chance to share my emotions and story with you.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read!

I now hate this shirt

Trying on shoes a few weeks ago

Trying on a new shirt