Outcast

I wanted to share this fleeting thought with you.

I wonder if one person could really change the world.

Sometimes the amount of pain, hurt, and destruction that is in the world hurts my soul. Anger and chaos, selfishness and hate, can be so loud in this world and things like love, compassion, happiness can be so small and rare.

When did it get this way? Can we live in a world that has tendencies to be so painful? I wish so much that just one person could change everything because I would. I would want everyone to be more selfless, understanding, and united because life itself is so powerful and also so fragile sometimes its a shame that we can’t spend our time on earth with happiness.

We’re always rushing, always frustrated, always stressed. I wonder if it’s really me that has anxiety and depression or has the world just set it up for people to become afraid, sad, and helpless.

Hate can be a powerful thing but so can love. We ask the wrong questions and make too quick of judgments, we have continually low expectations. I have been told I have too high expectations of people maybe it’s because I was held to high ones growing up and I just think that everyone sees things how I do. But that’s not the case. I have become distant and afraid.

My anxiety is frequently caused from fear of confrontation with a family member or being uncomfortable in public. I wish that everything felt less rushed. Everything feels like a finish line and for what? Am I happy? Are most people happy and I’m out of the loop?

I frequently feel like an oddball, weird, the outcast, the one from another planet.

But maybe that’s not always a bad thing.

Maybe it’s because I am on a different path that makes me different.

Rewards, Goals, Checklists, and Schedules…Oh My!

Dear Fellow Goal Setters,

I live my life where I deprive myself of good things like good food, cute shoes, or a cute top because I constantly feel like I need to earn it. Therefore, I don’t deserve it unless I’ve done these stressful tasks. Lost weight, worked on my blog enough, or just got enough random stressful tasks done.

Realistically, this isn’t overall a negative way to think. Do something you don’t want to do but should to earn something you want that will make you happy. However, for someone that strives for perfection and with generalized anxiety disorder, and just feeling guilty, this moment of buying that thing I want never comes.

When I lose three pounds I’ll get the shoes, I’ve lost five and still haven’t bought them, at 30 followers I’ll get myself a Bath and Body works candle, I have 50 and no candle. I begin to deprive myself of the good and only see that it’s not enough and that I don’t deserve the prize.

My life is balanced between goals and rewards and the work I have to do to earn them. But, I just keep thinking “No, when I’m even better then the goal, I’ll get the reward” this can be unhealthy. When did we stop having fun? When did we only see the checklist and never just relax because we want to?

Maybe we all need a day to buy the shoes, relax for no reason then because it will make us happy, or just go for a long run because it will give us clarity not because it will make us skinny. Take a minute today to do something that makes you smile and don’t feel guilty not because you had to earn it, but because you deserve it for just making it this far. Smile because it’s cliche but we are actually worth it. Now let’s go buy that candle.

With love always,

Laura 💜💜🌹

And, Now For Something Completely Different

So, I decided to get my hair done after about four months. And, I absolutely love it! Feeling very Fall ready 🍂

Also, sorry for looking a little awkward in the pictures I was exhausted.

The before…

The Awkward, Miss Congeniality, picking up satellite signal picture…

The End Result!!

My Self Care Routine

So, whether it’s just busy month or I’m just feeling some depression I think one of the most healthy things I do for myself is to take about an hour or even just an entire Saturday afternoon to do things just for me. To do all those little things that I either don’t have the time or energy for. But, I take time to make myself look better with things other than just a rushed shower and makeup. I do these things to take out some time for just me. So that during the week I know that even my rushed routine looks a lot better just knowing I’ve got a little bit more confidence and I feel more attractive because of this time I set aside.

1. I do my eyebrows. Something that’s a little times consuming but helps that sometimes rushed look, look even more put together. It helps frame my face and I helps me feel more confident knowing everything is in place on my face.

2. A face mask. I usually do a cucumber peel mask, because it helps clear my skin from makeup and dirt but also it helps hydrate my skin too. Face masks can range from what they are supposed to do and price so pick something that works for you. Doing a face mask just makes me feel fresh and helps make me feel more put together.

3. Shave. Sometimes I just don’t feel like it and especially with summer dying down it’s a lot easier to put this on the back burner. Shaving just helps anyone feel more attractive. I walk around in my pjs feeling more confident. My legs feel soft and again and I just feel more feminine and beautiful. Especially, when I shave my legs and put lotion on and some comfy clothes with a big cup of tea or anything pumpkin spice or apple flavored during fall with a funny show or a good book. I feel so comfortable and calm. It actually makes a great anxiety soother.

4. Lotion. I don’t know about you, but my skin can get very dry through the fall and winter months and especially with hot showers and shaving. Sometimes I will also put on some lotion that has some type of tanner in it. It can give off that illusion of being tan which actually boosts my mood and makes me feel less pale and depressed. Now I’m a tan, shaved, Goddess. But, seriously just throwing on scented lotion, tanning lotion, or just some actual lotion that’s got oatmeal and all kinds of hydrating ingredients can make all the difference.

5. Some type of exercise. For me, this is running. Running sucks but I really do feel better after I’ve gone. I think knowing that I ran a mile or two just makes me feel confident. Stronger too. But, anything that helps you feel strong and good about yourself. Do a workout or a machine that you somewhat enjoy. Doing some exercise may not seem amazing in the moment but afterwards and throughout the rest of the day you just feel calmer. Sometimes I run because there’s so much going on in my head that I think I’m going to burst. So I run. And, I run until I don’t feel so anxious.

6. Drink water. Yes, some days I will make myself drink 5, 6, 7 bottles of water because I can tell my lips are dry, mouth is dry, my skin is a mess. So there are times when I will just drink extra. It helps to just flush out toxins and hydrate my skin and body. You wouldn’t think make this part of a self care routine necessarily but, I know there’s days where I just feel sluggish and think I have not been drinking enough.

7. Tidy. This is something I will do before I even start my self care routine. Something about knowing the apartment is cleaned up makes me feel like I can enjoy myself and relax. Like I’m allowed to take this time for myself. Seriously, I will set a timer for 15 to 20 minutes and just clean up. You’d be surprised what you can do with 20 minutes. Just taking a little time to spruce up your surroundings, this makes me feel calm and eases my anxiety.

To The Girl That Hates Herself…

Dear You,

To the beautiful creature reading this post in hopes of finding the answers to her happiness, you have come to the right place.

In a world full of unobtainable standards and a head full of dreams that are far too often pushed to the back burner, it can be difficult to see your importance. And, that your dreams and self worth are so much bigger than you could ever fathom. I don’t know why you hate yourself today, this week, this year but I do know that you don’t deserve to be angry with yourself. Maybe you hate yourself because of a mistake, because things feel empty, because your heartbroken over life itself.

Whatever the reason may be, know that there’s always a reason to smile. Even if you don’t want to. Even if it hurts. There’s always a reason to fight back and show self-hatred who’s boss. And, that even though it may hurt like hell right now, maybe it’s hurt for a long time, it won’t always.

You are so much more than any self hatred, depression or any mental illness could ever be. You are the one that holds the power. Anxiety and depression are words given to these hateful, destructive mindsets that you have made yourself believe are true.

There is a reason they are called illnesses and can be treated and be healed because they are not natural. These are just empty voices you have created because you can’t see who you really are. You don’t have to waste any more time planning on how to make yourself happy. You are wonderful, you are brilliant, you can shine brighter then any mental illness and self hatred ever could. You have the power to be happy in this moment. 💜

All my love,

Laura

What No One Tells You About Depression

When I used to hear the word depression before my 20’s, I thought of a prolonged deep sadness that eventually you just won’t have anymore. No one tells you how much it can really ruin your life. It’s this voice inside your head telling you that you are unworthy, you are wasting your life, no one likes you, and that you are a complete waste of air. But, the absolute worst part of it, is that you one hundred percent think it’s true. It makes you believe that you are supposed to be alone so you push everyone away because of course, their going to leave anyway right?

But then your alone, and there’s no one to pull you back from the edge. Depression will keep telling you, what your doing and what your saying makes complete sense. Okay, sure you have your good days but then you have bad days and the depression can make the good days not that great and the bad days seem like an eternity. No one tells you that your appetite is going to be all over the place. You might eat everything in sight mindlessly or you may lay in bed all day and realize it’s 5:30p.m. and you’ve had a piece of gum.

Depression can make you miss out on life and unfortunately it’s because life can make us fall into depression. Something I heard recently from a good friend is that depression and anxiety can cloud your way of life and that when we start to live a life free of mental illness we can have mental clarity again and we can decide what we want in life.

There’s a reason depression and anxiety are called mental illness. You are sick. Kinda heavy, but it’s true. And there’s no shame in that. Sometimes it’s better just to say alright, I have depression…now what? The best thing you can do is realize it and admit it to yourself. If you walked around with the flu and kept getting sick, nearly fainting from a fever, and sneezing all over the place, the healthiest thing you can do is admit your sick and go get better. Look up remedies, see a doctor, ask for help, and rest. Mental illness works the same way. Find ways to make yourself feel better, get some exercise, create a small morning routine(this has helped me)or see a doctor for medication. You are never stuck in misery and there’s always a way out.

Feel better, Laura.

 

Why Are We Braver At 5 than 25?

A few weeks ago I decided to leave a sales job because I was essentially intimidated out the door. I wasn’t amazing at cold calling or lead generating or whatever telemarketing is calling it these days, and it was never something I had planned to do with my life. I took it for a paycheck, for the potential that it could turn into something else. Not a dream job, but at least tolerable. Tolerable…that’s what I settle for these days. Not crying on my way to work, not wanting to hide under my desk, not wanting to down an entire bottle of wine when I walk back through my front door.

Shortly after I decided to walk away from this job that was making me miserable, my mom told me a story about when I was a little girl. She had told me that when I was 5 years old she took me and my younger sister ice skating for the first time.

I took one step onto the ice and like any other uncertain and terrified child I held on to the side of the wall and slowly made my way around the rink. It was then I noticed a boy that I had a crush from kindergarten coming onto the rink and skating around with some of his ice hockey friends. She watched me let go of the wall and wobble over to him. He took my hand and said “I got ya!” I guess he had a crush on me too since he never let go of my hand and he skated with me the rest of the time. It was quite romantic for kindergarten.

The moral of this story…I would NEVER do this in my 20’s.

Yet again when I was 12 years old, I got the part in the elementary school chorus to sing the national anthem in front of the entire school including parents. The thing is I did this, and even though I did it well, I did have a tiny mistake where I choked a bit on a high note. Not even very noticeable. And you know what, I kept singing and I didn’t let it eat at me for days. Now a days, it feels like if I have to leave someone a voicemail, I have to write out what I want to say in fear of making myself look foolish by stuttering or pausing too long or forgetting why I called entirely.

When we’re young, we don’t know that it’s possible to fail. We think we’re going to be everything we ever dreamed of when were adults. We think we’re going to be superheroes. Instead, I feel like a coward. Too afraid to speak out or try something new or go for bigger dreams. We tend to think so small minded and keep our sights close. I have had dreams of being a writer since I was seventeen. I even went for journalism in college. But somehow, after flunking a few classes, and completely losing my confidence and passion for it, I wanted nothing to do with being a journalist or a writer. I had lost my moxie.

After some time and a lot of realizing that I don’t want a career in anything else, I have decided to take to the keyboard once again. I haven’t written in almost three years and maybe everything I write at the start maybe be horrible and no one will take any notice, but I think even bad writing and sticking to my dreams is better than not writing at all for fear of trying. It has always been this one thing I keep coming back to. I think about different plots for novels and when I hear someone speaking I think about how that would be amazing dialogue in that book. I love making a great sentence, I love writing poetry, I love reading an enticing book. The bigger picture here and moral of this new story is I am still courageous, I am still that girl that let go of the wall, and I am still going to be a writer.

Fake It Till You Make It

I have absolutely no confidence. My self-esteem is non-existent. It’s not even that I see myself as necessarily ugly or unattractive, but every time my boyfriend compliments or tries to hold me I can feel myself mentally crawling into a ball. I was not pretty in middle school and I often felt invisible.

High school was not much better and it didn’t help that my first boyfriend was possessive, controlling, and often played the victim. It made me feel for the longest time that this was the only guy that would ever want me and he’s what I thought love was and what I deserved. College was better, but even still I had boyfriends that cheated or just made me feel like I was a bother or a nuisance.

After this, I did end up dating someone who I am still with but during the first few months I developed depression from the pressure of college and ended up gaining 30 pounds. I have lost almost all of that weight. But, I still see myself as heavy, in need of toning, or not curvy enough in the right places. I can’t help but compare myself to Instagram models and think “that’s what beautiful looks like” and then I look at myself and think if I looked like that I could be confident. My relationship with my boyfriend feels on hold until I look and feel the way I think I’m supposed to.

I have become inwardly mean to myself. I beat myself up for not being perfect. I have so much difficulty accepting compliments from my boyfriend because I can’t help but think “he’s supposed to say stuff like that he doesn’t really mean it.” I have very little patience or love for myself and I will be honest and say this has taken its toll on our relationship. He’s frustrated and I feel unable to fix my mindset. I just see a girl who used to be fat and is somewhat better and after five years of dating I think he will get sick of me and leave.

I have been doing some research today about how to be confident but I think I have landed on the fake it till you make it mindset. I want to try for at least one week to just accept a compliment and not think he’s just lying to you. I want wear the shirts I never feel sexy enough to wear them. I want to fake it in my body language, how I talk, how I present myself. I’m exhausted of thinking makeup, shaving, or exercising pointless.

I’ve let myself become depressed before but I’m just staying inside of it and letting it take over. I don’t want to waste my life thinking awful things about myself that aren’t true. I have been having heart palpitations for days. I have been sad. I think it’s because I feel overwhelmed at the thought of being confident, happy and beautiful. After having depression and anxiety for so long, you actually become comfortable in the misery. You just think this is all there is and I don’t want to fail trying to find out if there’s more.

But, I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to just surrender to hating myself and being afraid all of the time. I’m fat. I hate myself. My boyfriend will leave. I’m so irrelevant. When do I just say “Stop!” And just think something positive without talking myself out of it.

I’m afraid

I’m so afraid to make my dreams come true. I’m afraid to be myself, say what I’m thinking, admit what I want, speak up for myself, and walk away from uncomfortable or horrible situations. And, why?

Because, of co-workers, family members, people I went to high school or college with. I am afraid to put myself out there and be made to feel ashamed or embarrassed by it. But, somehow thinking that anyone would do that by me having a blog or a YouTube channel or just putting myself out there more, clearly isn’t someone I need to care about anymore.

It’s scary, to take that deep breath and Publish yourself and put yourself in the public eye. But, as many critics out there as there always will be, you never know. You may discover this part of yourself that you didn’t know existed. Someone that can confidently say, yes I write, yes I sing, yes I’m awesome, nice to meet you.